Body Part Workout

Two weeks ago, Kate Testerman (agent) posted on her blog about smirk and other words to avoid. Now the problem wasn’t so much the words, but how often they might show up in a manuscript. For example, I read one popular YA paranormal novel in which the main character or one of her friends rolled their eyes for a grand—and painful—total of between 100-200 times. Sometimes eye rolling occurred twice on the same page. Fortunately, for the next book in the series, the author found some other gesture to overuse.

It was really Jodi Meadow’s comment that got me thinking. She mentioned that some writers get obsessed with a particular action—say breathing—and use it way too many times in order to demonstrate emotion. Gulp. Guilty as charged. Since I have a background in physiology, especially cardiology, and spent eight years prompting cardiovascular drugs and ones for asthma, I have a bad habit of relying on anything to do with breathing and the heart when describing emotions.

After reading Jodi’s comments, I used the FIND function in Word to see how many times I’d abused the terms. I’m not going to tell you the exact numbers, but it was way beyond embarrassing. I then highlighted them using a different color for each body system I used. Determined to cut the number to something I could count on one hand (and I mean major cutting), I systemically went through the pages. Anything I thought was important, I kept. Anything I knew wasn’t a big deal was either cut or rewritten. I did this several times till I was able to negotiate my way down to my goal. And the best thing is, my writing’s much stronger for it.

So give it a try. Is there some word or phrase you think you might be abusing? Do what I did. You’ll be shocked at how many times you can remove the offending item and not even miss it. I promise.

Note: dramatization of Lost in a Heartbeat was brought to you by Wordle.

The Thesaurus Extraordinaire

Most people are familiar with the thesaurus. You’re writing a paper and you used the same word several times. Repetition is never good; actually it can be plain boring. So you grab your thesaurus and search for another word. Or better yet, you can grab your copy of Roget’s International Thesaurus, and you’ll be greeted by more exciting choices than you ever thought possible. Way more choices than in a regular thesaurus.

Unlike the typical thesaurus, which is listed in alphabetic order, words in the Roget’s International Thesaurus are listed according to categories. You look up the word you want in the index (which is listed alphabetically) and it will refer you to several different categories. You pick the one(s) that best represent the definition you’re looking for then zip over to the appropriate page. You’ll be astounded; I promise.

If you’re not positive what word you’re looking for, then you can skim through the categories listed at the front of the book to get some suggestions. For example, you want to talk about your protagonist’s fear of spiders.

You could say: I felt scared.

Or worse yet: I was scared.

Not good enough, you think. So you skim though the categories in Roget’s International Thesaurus and decide to show the movement of fear going through your body. Hmmm. Streams flow. So you flip to the section under streams, and study the verbs listed. Now this isn’t some tiny spider that’s causing ‘fear to seep’ into your body. It’s huge. Like one of those from the second Harry Potter movie, The Chamber of Secrets. Now your ‘fear surges’ through your body, or any of the other vivid verb that appeal to you. See how easy that was to breathe life into your writing? And the best part is the book isn’t expensive. It’s the same price of a YA hardback novel.

Don’t Leave ’Em Dangling

I focused on the lake, instead of looking at Mike, partially surrounded by the forest.

When you read the above sentence, it looks as if Mike is partially surrounded by the forest. However, that’s not what I intended. The correct sentence should read:

Instead of looking at Mike, I focused on the lake, partially surrounded by the forest.

Do you notice the difference? The modifier “partially surrounded by the forest” is next to the noun it’s describing. The forest is partially surrounding the lake, not Mike. Quite a different image, right?

Misplaced modifiers generally occur when you’re writing the first draft, since you’re racing to get your thoughts down before they slip away. The modifiers can occur at the beginning, middle, or at the end of a sentence. When you go back to edit, check all your clauses and modifying words to make sure they are next to the noun you want to modify. Circle the noun you want to describe. If the clause is at the beginning of the sentence, it will be directly in front of the noun. Otherwise, it will be directly after it. If they are modifying the wrong noun, rewrite your sentence so that they are linked with the correct one, or else the result might be quite comical.

She extended toward the guy her hand who I guessed to be about my age. Seventeen, maybe eighteen.

Get active!

Now I’m not talking about going skiing or running or anything other activity that gets you moving. I’m referring to giving your verbs a workout.

There are two types of verbs for the intent of this discussion: passive and active. Passive verbs include verbs such as to be. Bonnie Trenga also throws the following verbs into the pile: to do, to get, to go, to have, to make, and to use. Action verbs, on the other hand, are more action packed—hence their name. Passive verbs are boring. Action verbs aren’t.


Examples:
I went over to the mall entrance. (passive)
I zigzagged between harried shoppers on my way to the mall entrance. (active)

Notice which one paints a more vivid picture. Don’t get me wrong though, there are times when passive verbs are okay, but the idea is switch to an active verb when at all possible.

Next time you write a paper, take your highlighter and mark all those passive verbs, then see which ones you can make more exciting. Your teacher (and grade) will thank you.

Suggested Reading:
Sin and Syntax: How to Craft Wickedly Effective Prose by Constance Hale
The Curious Case of the Misplaced Modifier: How to Solve the Mysteries of Weak Writing by Bonnie Trenga

Oh Me Oh Mi of Overwriting

Janie runs quickly through the incredibly snowy yards from two streets away and slips very quietly through the bright purple front door of her two story house complete with cream-colored siding and a roof that needs to be repair.

And then.

Everything goes really black. Pitch black. As black as the night.

She holds her head tightly, cursing her mother under her minty breath as the whirling, twirling, swirling kaleidoscope of colors—red, orange, green, purple—builds quickly and throws her completely and utterly off balance. She bumps hard and painfully against the dirty white wall, the paint peeling in quite a few places and holds on really hard, and then very slowly lowers herself blindly to the worn carpeted floor as her fingers, with the beautifully painted long fingernails, go numb. The last thing she really needs is to crack her head wide open. Again.

Welcome to the not-so-wonderful world of overwriting. This is where the eager writer drowns his pose in adverbs and adjective, thinking it makes the writing more vivid. This is one of those times when the saying ‘less is more’ really does apply. As you can see from the above version of Lisa McMann’s novel, Fade (New York Times bestseller), all those adjectives and adverbs do nothing for the story. If anything, they bury Lisa’s compelling voice. Compare it to the actual version from the novel.

Janie sprints through the snowy yards from two streets away and slips quietly through the front door of her house.

And then.

Everything goes black.

She grips her head, cursing her mother under her breath as the whirling kaleidoscope of colors builds and throws her off balance. She bumps against the wall and holds on, and then slowly lowers herself blindly to the floor as her fingers go numb. The last thing she needs is to crack her head open. Again.

Do you see the difference?

In the first version, weak verbs are modified with adverbs. For example, ‘runs quickly, instead of ‘sprints’ and ‘holds her head tightly’ instead of ‘grips her head’. If you find you’re reaching for an adverb--especially one ending in –ly--to describe the verb, then grab your thesaurus and look up ‘run’. You’ll find an array of better words (bolt, sprint, dash, etc) that paint a concrete picture of what you’re character is doing.

For adjectives, don’t place a list of them in front of the noun. Try to keep it down to two. If you need to include more, than place some of them behind the noun. For example: Instead of “Tired, bruised, wearing a bloodied, torn dress, Alyssa stumbled along the road.” Write, “Tired and bruised, Alyssa, her dress bloodied and torn, stumbled along the road.” Also, delete any adjectives that are redundant. For example: a baby kitten is like saying a baby baby. All kittens are babies. Right?

Exercise: For your next writing project—fiction or non-fiction—highlight all the adjectives and adverbs, and see how many you can cut out and how many verb/adverb combinations you can replace with dynamic verbs. Your reader (and teacher) will thank you for it.

Recommended reading:
Sin and Syntax: How to Craft Wickedly Effective Prose, Constance Hale

Thanks, But This Isn’t For Us: A (Sort of) Compassionate Guide to Why Your Writing Is Being Rejected, Jessica Morrell

Note: This super cool picture was generated using the Wordle program at http://www.wordle.net/.

The Mysterious Voice

As mentioned last week, the voice is what grabs your reader from the beginning and keeps them reading. It’s highly subjective, though. What one person may love, may turn another reader off. Oh well. No one said writing was easy.

But what is the narrative voice? According to Jessica Morrell (see recommended reading), it is “the distinct and memorable sound of the writer, narrator, or character.” The voice, in fiction, will depend on who the narrator is. Is she witty, serious, or conversational? Is she more comfortable discussing fashion or discussing Jane Austen (or maybe both)? Is she from an upper class, middle class, or lower class family? Does she swear? A little or a lot? Is she basically happy with her life or depressed? Is she a romantic or a cynic? All of these will shape the narrative voice.

Here are a few examples from teen novels:

City of Glass, Cassandra Clare (fantasy)

Clary had gone straight to the Institute after she’d talked to Madeleine at the hospital. Jace had been the first one she’d told her mother’s secret to, before even Luke. And he’d stood there and stared at her, getting paler and paler as she spoke, as if she weren’t so much telling him how she could save her mother as draining the blood out of him with cruel slowness.

Parties & Potions, Sarah Mlynowski (chick lit)

Do I like red?

I pirouette before the mirror. Yes, the red shirt could work. Red makes my hair look super-glossy and glamorous and goes great with my favorite jeans.

If I do say so myself.

The shirt has a scooped neckline and adorable bubble sleeves. It’s my back-to-school top for the big, BIG day tomorrow—the very first day of sophomore year! My BFF, Tammy, and I went shopping last week for the occasion. I know I could have just zapped something up, but the first rule of witchcraft is that everything comes from something. I didn’t want to accidentally shoplift a new shirt from Bloomingdale’s.

Along for the Ride, Sarah Dessen (contemporary)

Ten minutes later, I was slipping out the side door, my shoes tucked under my arm, and getting into my car. I drove down the mostly empty streets, past quiet neighbourhoods and dark storefronts, until the lights of Ray’s Diner appeared in the distance. Small, with entirely too much neon, and tables that were always a bit sticky, Ray’s was the only place in town open twenty-four hours, 365 days a year. Since I hadn’t been sleeping, I’d spent more nights than not in a booth there, reading or studying, tipping a buck every hour on whatever I ordered until the sun came up.

Wake, Lisa McMann (paranormal)

Janie Hannagan’s math book slips from her fingers. She grips the edge of the table in the school library. Everything goes black and silent. She sighs and rests her head on the table. Tries to pull herself out of it, but fails miserably. She’s too tired today. Too hungry. She really doesn’t have time for this.

And then.

As you can see from the examples above, the voice is unique for each one. Cassandra Clare is, in my opinion, the master of imagery. Sarah Dessen has a more formal voice. Both used longer, more complex sentences in their novels. Lisa’s voice is compelling with short sentences and sentence fragments (either the noun or the verb is missing), both of which are used frequently throughout the novel. All four use sentence structure and word choices that fit their voice.

The main thing with the voice is to be consistent. You don’t want to start off sounding like Cassandra and end up sounding like Lisa. Not that you should try to copy their voices, either. Experiment until you find the right one for your character. And make sure it sounds natural and not forced and unauthentic.

But what about non-fiction? Does it have a voice or is that only in fiction? Yes, it absolutely has a voice. Figure out what the purpose of the term paper is, then determine the best voice for it. Theme can also play a role here. Of course, if you’re writing a term paper on Romeo and Juliet, you might want to avoid the snarky voice. When in doubt, ask your teacher first. Some prefer a formal voice; some would be delighted if you write something that sticks out from the pile of dull essays. Again, make sure it doesn’t sound forced. Nothing flops faster than humor that misses the mark.

Exercise: Study different novels, short stories, and non-fiction works (magazine articles, books, newspapers) and see what you like and don’t like in a particular voice. Next try to create a voice for a short story or non-fiction article based on your findings. Don’t worry, it might be a mess at first, but you won’t know until you’ve experimented. And don’t be afraid to play around with different voices. You might surprise yourself.

Recommended Readings:
Writing & Selling the YA Novel, K.L. Going

Thanks, But This Isn’t For Us, Jessical Morrell

Self-Editing for Fiction Writers, Renni Browne and Dave King

Riveting First Words

Whether you’re writing a term paper, short story, or novel, your first words have an important job to do. They grab the reader’s attention, leaving ’em begging for more. Fail to do that, and your reader will find something more exciting to do, like cleaning the lint from her belly button.

Everyone has different expectations as to what makes a great first paragraph of a story. Genre and personal preference play a large role here. But the most important thing to grab your reader’s attention is the voice. Take note, this is also true for term papers. Not to leave you in suspense or anything, but I’ll be discussing the mysterious voice next week.

There are a few things you want to avoid in the first paragraph of your story:

1. Rambling beginnings where nothing is happening except for a long detailed description of your setting and main character. Boring!


2. Overwriting. This means too many adverbs and adjectives. I’ll be discussing this topic more in the near future.


3. Jumping in without giving the reader anything to cling to. Why should we care about your protagonist as she jumps off a cliff?


4. Asking questions. I read a first paragraph recently from an unpublished fiction writer. In it, the protagonist asked five questions. The paragraph had only six sentences in it to begin with. You want your readers to be asking the questions, not the protagonist. If your readers are asking them, then they’ll keep reading because they want to discover the answers. Right?


5. Starting with your protagonist waking up, unless she’s jarred awake by someone entering her room. If you do this, then build the suspense (always a goodie for opening paragraphs) so the reader has to go to the next paragraph to find out who the perpetrator is. A vampire. A criminal. Her older sister coming in through the window after sneaking around with the boyfriend her parents disapprove of. Isn’t that more riveting than having Janie wake up, look at the alarm clock, and deliberate what to wear to school?

Those are but a few suggestions as to how not to start your story. But then how should it begin? The books listed below have some great ideas, but I found them orientated more toward adult novels. The best thing is to do a little detective work of your own. Grab your favorite novels or short stories, and study their opening paragraphs to see what you like about them and what turns you off. Then keep that in mind for your next fiction project.

Here’s one of my favorites:

Phoebe and her friends held their breath as the dead girl in the plaid skirt walked past their table in the lunchroom. Her motion kicked up a cool trailing breeze that seemed to settle on the skin and catch in their hair. As they watched her go by, Phoebe could almost tell what everyone was thinking. Everyone, that is, except for the dead girl. (Generation Dead, Daniel Waters)

What could be more compelling than that?

Recommended readings:

Thanks, But This Isn’t For Us: A (Sort of) Compassionate Guide to Why Your Writing Is Being Rejected, Jessica Morrell

Hooked: write fiction that grabs readers at page one and never lets them go, Les Edgerton

Note: This super cool picture was generated using the first 100 pages of my YA novel, Lost in a Heartbeat, using the Wordle program at http://www.wordle.net/.